i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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