Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
