Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
