I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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