On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Randomize
