Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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