OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Did you just see the Batmobile???
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
