The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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