I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
