I think I won the penis lottery.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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