My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
