White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
