Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
