I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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