thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
