Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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