did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
