My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize