Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
