Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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