he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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