ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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