On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
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