There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
