if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
