3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
