Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
is that a dick in a sweater?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
