Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
