She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
