i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
