Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
