How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
