This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
