just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
