Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I faked an abortion last night.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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