I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Come share oat with me in your robe
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
