i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
