my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
