I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
