i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
