Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
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