mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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