In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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