Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
