my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
