I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize