i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Every concussion has its silver lining
The feeling are messing with the penis
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm like, not good at living.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
