i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
