actually, I'm a sock model
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
