I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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