feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Randomize
