That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
