I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize