Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
