dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
You can't motorboat a personality
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Randomize
