Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
