Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
