walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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