I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
