i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
