A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
