Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
