I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
