being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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